Psst guys, we all know you don't really like Vindaloo...

Those of you who’ve known me a while know I used to be a rabid football fan, an avid writer of the beautiful game and its respective aspects that I held dear to my heart. The ‘back to the kitchen’ jibes used to roll off me like I was impenetrable. But one day I simply stopped watching, stopped writing, and stopped engaging as I saw no place for myself.

At the height of my aspirations, I attended the Raise Your Game conference hosted by Kick It Out and I got to sit down with an esteemed woman commentator who I admired and I told her I wanted to be a pundit at the table and she said that it was unlikely. My heart dropped. She also said as I wasn’t a footballer I wouldn’t be considered, but I thought of the journalists in other countries who sit there and talk the good talk without critique. And now I think ‘what about Gabby Logan’ who has since soared in her career? And we’re even seeing top players like Alex Scott and Eniola Aluko getting a respected seat at the table. After a long pause, I took a refreshed look at the world of football, my foot edging across the threshold of a renewed interest… progress seemed to be happening. Popular advertising campaigns pointed towards a less nasty, more inclusive sport. There still has yet to be another professional out and proud queer male footballer since the tragedy of Justin Fashanu, but then (my personal favourite) Manuel Neuer the German goalkeeper wore a rainbow armband in support of the LGBTQIA+ community and in protest of stifling new off-pitch laws in on-pitch opponents Hungary. But it didn’t stop there, they proposed to light the iconic Allianz Arena in a rainbow pride flag, and when the request was denied, German fans showed up sporting rainbow flags and wigs, and a pitch invader waving the flag was featured and praised online. Then, days later I went to the cinema with Milly, my sister, and saw Marcus Rashford (MBE) starring in an advert about the new face of football, the advert also featured two men kissing, a woman breastfeeding and a young black woman referee. Our eyes welled as we thought ‘we love football’ and maybe things were finally coming along. Maybe there is a place for us after all. I thought ‘go on then', I’m listening...

It was in this international tournament induced quasi-euphoric state that we found ourselves scrolling on Twitter late last night and saw there was a new England anthem which players such as Declan Rice and Tyrone Mings and even the nation’s sweetheart Gareth Southgate had been consulted (yet to see if they star in the music video). We read out their names with a thrill in our stomachs as we’ve been saying all along there should be a cool new England song to follow in the large footsteps of legendary Vindaloo and Three Lions (It’s Coming Home). The song was by Krept and Konan who I’m not familiar with but Milly, being younger and thus marginally cooler than me assured me they were… cool. We played it immediately, excited to hear the new anthem. Okay, I thought - it’s not my usual sound - more like something I’d hear blasting out of our younger brother’s bedroom, but it was fun hearing the players’ names in little rhyming couplets. I mustn’t have been paying full attention but Milly nudged me and said “did you just hear that?” - I admitted I hadn’t so we rewound and were left open-mouthed agog and angry. Here we go again. Yet another example of men making it evident there’s no place for women in football. (I will enclose the verse that we couldn’t believe we’d just heard)

I actually felt close to tears when I realised this new England anthem had reduced me, a woman, down to a FIFA hating, blowjob giving sex object. It took me back to when I was 21 and thought I had to be sexually attractive in order for men to care about my football opinions. And six years later - was I really so wrong? And that’s from a feminist point of view, how about from a footballing point of view - what on earth does receiving a blowjob have to do with inspiring a nation of football fans? What does Alex Scott think about this? Or Tyrone Mings, or Marcus Rashford? What does my brother think of this song? What do men on the street think of this song? Do they agree? Is that why they shout insults and obscenities at me from rolled-down car windows and even an upside-down theme park ride (no, really)? Do they really only care about you if you’re fuckable? And if not, is that why they laugh and point openly on the street? Which is the treatment I more recently receive instead of the wolf whistles and leers I used to get in my school uniform (think about it for a moment).

I tweeted my disgust and straight away had some nobody in my replies who sent me a video of a wrestler saying “Shut up bitch”, a video of two football pundits being asked a question from a woman presenter and walking away ignoring her, and then later a tirade of tweets culminating in how I must not have gotten the wordplay of how “she’s a keeper” is actually referring to a goalkeeper… in football (his words not mine). If that’s a clever wordplay then sign me up for the Nobel prize for literature. I can’t believe that some men believe a woman wouldn’t know what a goalkeeper is. Is that what the men think of me on the streets? Is this the reason I’m embarrassed to wear my England shirt with pride? Why I’m too afraid to Tweet my opinion?

Whatever happened to the good old days where football anthems were fun, self-referential and mocking of toxic masculinity? I’m thinking of the classic line “and we all like Vindaloo” referring to the cliché of men pretending they can handle the spiciest dish on the menu ‘cause they’re manly men, innit - and though that song was released in 1998, I think many can relate to dating a man who orders the Extra Hot option at Nando’s and pretends not to sweat. 

I’d like more of that energy and less of the relentless objectification of women. Is that too much to ask? Maybe things for women and gays will have improved by the time England step up for the World Cup in … *checks notes* … Qatar. 

Well. Something has got to change.