Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now
I have a secret for you all, and it actually pains me to
announce, but having a life costs money.
Did you know that? When you are running low on funds, it is a small victory
every time you are successfully able to put your card away and walk away with
your purchases. You find yourself playing Russian Roulette every time you pay
for something using your debit card, getting a nervous sweat every time the
transaction takes longer than 3 seconds to clear. But guess what; last night
whilst innocently attempting to buy cigarettes, I got the live bullet. Card
declined. Sorry. Next customer, please. I left the shop with my tail between my
legs and my brain whirring away trying to work out how on earth I managed to
find my bank account empty, yet again.
You all told me to go out and live my life, to experience
new things and see the world. I tried, really I did. But you never told me that
my bank balance would scream in protest after only a few weeks of activity. I
signed onto the dole. I subsequently received two-hundred glorious pounds from
a previous job that I had only worked at for two weeks. I don’t know if any of
you are like me, but once presented with a sum of money I become entirely
frivolous. I forget that just a few days before I was counting my pennies to
scrape together enough cash to buy cigarettes. It’s been fun, at least while it
lasted.
My gorgeous friend Hannah has been visiting from Australia , and
she’s practically dragged me off my sofa on which I permanently reside and has
forced me into being uncharacteristically sociable. It’s not necessarily a bad
thing, her bewitching aura permeating into my pores and I’ve found myself smiling
at strangers and doing *shudders* favours for other human beings. I went to Brighton and got a job in which my unparallelled
hyperactivity can actually be considered a merit. I drank a lot of beer, and
met some great people that I can hopefully count as friends upon my relocation.
I met some more great friends at a Northern Soul night (Buffalo Bar, Islington
– I highly recommend if you are into doing the twist all night with friendly
faces) and in another uncharacteristic turn of events, I found myself wearing
the same dress for 2 days and 3 nights whilst sofa surfing. This is coming from
a girl who usually spends her Friday nights playing Call of Duty with her 12
year old brother.
I’ve discovered that I do actually quite like cats, even
though they transform my face into a puffy disaster and make my breathing sound
like Darth Vader. I stopped following my ex-boyfriend on social networks. I met
up with old school friends and gushed about how grown up we all are. I washed
my hair two days in a row. I drank some more beer. It was all going really well
until I heard the ominous beep behind the till point notifying me my card had
been declined. My Brightonian dream seems an awfully long way in the distance
seeing as I can’t even afford a bus into my local town.
I actually sort of miss staying in my pyjamas all day and watching
Star Wars alone in bed, getting dressed only to take a selfie to prove to my
Instagram followers that I’m still alive and kicking. I miss when the only time
I’d leave the house would be to either go to the off-licence or to visit my
friend and dance to Korean Pop music, or if I was really lucky I’d get to do
both.
One thing I’ve realised lately is that you don’t owe anybody
anything. If you aren’t happy with something, then change it. Don’t do things
just to be polite, do what makes you feel good. Smile at strangers, but
remember - don’t give money to women bearing sob stories about needing to get
home because chances are, you just might find her sat on the high-street
sharing a packet of cigarettes with the local tramp, shouting obscenities at
you even though you gave her a quid an hour ago and wished her well.
You know
what? I could do with that quid back.
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